


These words I cannot, should not, will not say

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I didn't want to hurt anyone, I swear, I'm Sorry, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, One Shot, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, What Was I Thinking?, much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-01-12
Packaged: 2018-05-13 12:07:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5707480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"These words I cannot say, they<br/>are carved into my skin.<br/>I try to get them out, but<br/>they're trapped too deep within."</p>
            </blockquote>





	These words I cannot, should not, will not say

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF-HARM  
> If easily triggered, please don't force yourself to read this, your mental wellbeing is important, okay?

He wakes in the middle of the night without warning or reason, choking on his own breath as he struggles to escape the constricting tendrils of sleep.

 

It's a routine Levi has been through before, one he is so used to that it is engraved down to his bones. Nevertheless, he cannot escape the crushing guilt, shame and anxiety. For a moment he dares to think, as he always does, that this time it was _just_ a nightmare, nothing else; he can just curl up against Eren in that sappy way that lovers do in story books and sink back into sleep, because it was _nothing but a bad dream._

 

Then he feels the thick, sticky sensation of blood pouring down his arms, pooling in the cracks of his skin and crusted under his fingernails.

 

With a resigned sigh that is almost a sob, he slides quietly from under the covers and pads towards the bathroom, risking a dim candlelight to see with. _Maybe this time, it won't be so bad. Perhaps it's just a scratch, hopefully it's just a scratch, just a little flesh wound-_

 

Deep, bloody furrows, scored into his skin, glisten mockingly in the half-light, blood streaming in a sickening parody of tears. The blood wouldn't bother him, nor the wounds- he's seen far worse, visions so horrifying they've crawled into his brain and stayed there, surfacing again in his sleep time after time- if it weren't for the fact that he'd inflicted them himself.

 

He doesn't remember precisely when it started. It just happened one day, along the line. A few months after Isabelle and Farlan- no, he won't remember that, he _can't_ \- he would wake with scratches carved into his skin. At first, he thought he was being attacked. He slept with a knife, interrogated half the base, even set up traps to catch the assailant. It was only when Hanji caught him digging into his arms while explaining battle strategies that he realised- well, was forced to admit, really, he'd known the truth all along. Since then, he's mastered his focus while awake, making sure never to slip; worn long sleeves and bandages to hide the bloody sores and scars. The few who knew are mostly six feet under the cold, dark earth now, and those who aren't have far too much common sense to spread the fact that Captain levi, Humanity's Strongest, is so heavily afflicted by stress that he _mutilates his skin in his sleep._

 

He knows, deep down, that nobody would really care if they _did_ know, that it would quickly die down as more pressing issues presented themselves, but the mere idea of people talking brings on a cold sweat; makes his heart stutter and fail as he imagines the sneers, the condescending glances and, worst of all, the _pity_. People who claim that they _understand_ , that they hope he'll "get through it", whatever the _fuck_ that's supposed to mean.

 

_"Poor Captain Levi, he can't even save himself, let alone his squadmates."_

 

Just the thought gives him the urge to dig further into his flesh, in a futile attempt to somehow tear out all the fear, the guilt and self-loathing that are slowly eating away at him like a cancer. Instead, he concentrates on washing the blood and filth from his ravaged arms, scoring away the crusted gore from beneath his fingernails, as if it will wash away all the blood he has soaked his hands in over the years.

 

People always puzzle over his overzealousness while cleaning. The truth is, no matter how hard he tries to wash it away, blood clings to everything he touches, smeared across every surface until he can't help but try again to erase it, because maybe, just maybe, it might actually work this time.

 

He turns the tap and watches as the pink-tinged water swirls down the drain, trying to decide what to do next. It's been months since an incident this bad, but he _knew_ it was coming, didn't he, after the Female Titan- _don't think of them, don't think, don't_ his mind screams at him- and yet he didn't do anything about it; didn't try to relax and minimise the stress, to wrap bandages over his arms so it would be harder to tear them apart, even to visit the empty graves of his fallen friends and just be _alone_ for a while.

 

Now he's standing here, forming plans to obtain medical supplies and replace the sheets he must have bloodied without Eren noticing, because he _still hasn't told him,_ even though he promised himself he would soon. Then again, they've only been together a month, if that. Surely he shouldn't be expected to bare his most personal secrets just yet?

 

"L-Levi? What are you-"

There's a sudden, shocked intake of breath behind him. His heart sinks and a cold, heavy feeling settles deep into his bones, aching in intensity. Well, he doesn't have to worry about  _that_ now, does he?

 

Eren rushes in with his usual carelessness, almost knocking Levi over as he reaches out and grabs his wrists in a surprisingly gentle but secure grip, preventing him from pulling away.

"Levi," he begins, and he sounds so hurt, so betrayed, that Levi can't help but feel rotten to the core for keeping this from him, for going out of his way to keep the whole thing a secret, but he had no idea what to do- it seems he never _does_ anymore.

"Levi, what's going-"

"It's not what it looks like." he snaps roughly, twisting his arms in a half-hearted and futile attempt to break Eren's increasingly vice-like grip. He _could_ break it if he wanted to, but something stops him, even though he'd rather be anywhere but where he is now.

 

"Oh really?" Eren's voice rises as he speaks, growing angrier with every syllable he utters. "That's funny, because I _bloody well know what it looks like,_ and I don't really appreciate being _lied to_ when the evidence is right in front of my eyes, Levi!"

 

He speaks with such force that Levi almost wants to cringe with shame, even though he's _Captain Levi,_ and takes shit from nobody. Instead, he forces himself to look directly at Eren, and stands taller, despite the crushing weight of what he has to say bearing down on him.

 

"Eren, this...it's something I've dealt with for a while. For years, in fact. I don't really know why, but, when I get tired or stressed or just lose focus on things...well, _this_ happens." he gestures to his arms, which are already coated in a thin layer of fresh blood. "I had no intention of keeping this from you. But I needed some time, okay? It's...not the easiest thing to talk about. It's something I avoid talking about, actually." He grits his teeth as he adds "I'm...sorry."

 

He finally stops speaking, and his words hang heavy in the air, like storm clouds between them. He only then realises just how _tired_ he is, and has to force himself to stay upright as his knees threaten to buckle beneath him. Eren, who's been listening to the whole thing with a stony expression, finally cracks as tears gather in those huge, green eyes, and Levi has to turn away because the last thing he needs is _more goddamn pity._

 

Instead, he feels himself pulled into an awkward embrace as Eren hugs him close and runs a hand through his hair, muttering unintelligible reassurances through choked sobs.

"It's okay." he whispers, and Levi's heart clenches painfully. "Oh god, Levi, you _don't deserve this_."

 

For a moment, he allows himself to sink into the warmth that is Eren, and forget everything, instead inhaling the scent of crushed pine needles and outdoors that always seems to surround him. Then the blood dripping from his hands brings him back to reality. He reluctantly pulls back, and the warmth vanishes, leaving a cold, empty void in its wake.

 

"You stay here. I'll get something to clean that up, and the room as well."

A quick kiss on his cheek, and he's gone, swallowed by the darkness. The weaker part of Levi wants to follow him, because he doesn't want to be left alone with himself, with no comfort but the cloaked concealment of the dark. But he forces himself to stay, allowing his legs to give out as he slides down the wall. To his shame, he realises he's _shaking,_ and his throat feels clogged and stuffed with raw emotion, so he focuses on a trail of blood on the tile floor, marvelling at its perverse, dark beauty as he awaits Eren's return.

 

After seemingly hours, he's back, kneeling down next to Levi as he gently cleans around the wounds, before stitching them, wincing, with sympathy as he does so, and wrapping them with clean linen bandages. They seem more manageable that way, though he can already see spots of red starting to leak through and stain the wrappings. He sits numbly as Eren wipes away every bloodstain from the bathroom floor, feeling utterly useless.

 

Then, mercifully, he's back again; the warmth returns as strong arms wrap around his torso and underneath his legs.

"You don't have to carry me." Levi mutters, his sense of uselessness growing as Eren lifts him up as if he weighs nothing, even though he knows perfectly well that, with all the muscle he's acquired from years of military training, he weighs more than most people twice his size.

"I want to, because I care about you, Levi, and I know you probably don't feel the same way, and you don't ever have to, but- I'm don't want to lose you. Not yet." Eren replies forcefully, and Levi wants to tell him that he's _wrong_ , that he _does_ care about Eren just as much as Eren cares about him, if not more, but he can only make a choked noise of protest as his pent-up emotions threaten to overwhelm him once more.

 

Soon, he's pillowed against Eren's arm, fighting the increasing drowsiness because he already knows what sleep will bring, and he's not ready to face that again, not yet.

"Hey," Eren murmurs against his neck "It's fine. I'm here. Go to sleep."

He makes another muffled noise of protest.

"Shh." Eren whispers, carding his fingers through Levi's hair again. "Don't worry. You'll be fine. You're Captain Levi, Humanity's Strongest- and don't you _dare_ deny it. You fight monsters bigger than houses and call it a day's work. You keep your cool and keep us all safe when everyone else is out of control. And if you can't scare the nightmares away, I can always turn into a titan and chase them off for you."

He snorts at that. "As long as you don't crush me along with them like the clumsy bastard you are, that's fine by me."

"I'll just pretend I didn't hear that. Now go to sleep- and you're having a day off tomorrow. No paperwork, absolutely _no_ training, and I'm bringing you breakfast, whether you like it or not."

Levi feels his lips curve into a small smile, though Eren's words sound distant and muffled, as if he's underwater. He feels like he's sinking, but rather than fight the darkness, he allows it to pull him down into oblivion.

 

He still wakes a few times, grappling with his twisted dreams, but each time he does Eren is there to pull him out and ease him back into sleep, always so patient as he does so.

 

For the first time, Levi finds himself realising that trusting someone else isn't such a bad idea after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Gahhh I'm so sorry *holds out tissues and chocolate*
> 
> If you suffer from mental health issues, or know anyone who does, this was not intended to mock you in any way. I know people with them, and if you're in the same boat, the best advice I can offer you is to stay strong and talk to someone, if you don't already. It's not embarassing or weak to need help- we all do sometimes. And there are people out here who'll feel honoured to support you. I promise.
> 
> Remember, Pastel loves you very much (even if she has a funny way of showing it).
> 
> Feedback is very much appreciated.


End file.
